(almost) A Decade Without You, Dad..

...only God knows how much I missed him...

dear, Papa...
did you saw me from up above? it's already nine and a half year since you've been gone..and every single day I still cry deep in my heart...
now I had my own family (a husband and a daughter) and they loved me very much. but why? why am I still feeling alone?
I am feeling alone...everytime mama mad at me
I am feeling alone...when she told me that I am a failed daughter not like my sister
I am feeling alone...when I'm sad and she laugh and said that I deserved that
but, pa...the loneliest time in my life is when I -again and again- look into her eyes and see that there's only my sister...

somehow, when a child grown up and have her own family...her mother's love never can be replaced.. even when she had her own perfect family..

so sad when I realize, I missed her more than I missed you, pa...silly isn't it? she's here with me...and you're not for almost 10 years...but I never feels like she's here. She didn't want me, that's the point.

I wish time could change what she feels for me..because I love her. My love for her as big as my sister love to her.

goodnight, pa...